Freak Out!

Impatient; Impulsive; Irrational; Complicated; Crashed; Crushed;

 I would have to say that my most hated word in the English dictionary today would be the infamous word; Attitude. When that word is brought up, an attitude pops up... but the sad thing is... I know I have one way more than I really should have one. The only problem is, I have absolutely NO IDEA how to get rid of it for good. I just get irritated so easily lately, I'm so anxious and have not a clue as to why... I freak out and think about things I should just... leave alone, for lack of a better statement. I guess it has to do with still being insecure. I have this horrible problem with insecurity, it's really ridiculous. But once again I don't know what to do to take care of that neither...

 Sometimes, even when I feel happy, I just want to run away. Not somewhere to far but just "get away" from the world for a little bit. Not necessarily go by myself, anyone who knows me knows who I would bring. I would want it to be that secluded get away, the one where we are in the middle of nowhere... with no cellphone reception, computer connection, or even... civilizations. I know some of you may be thinking that it sounds like the perfect setting for some horror movie, but that's honestly not what my intentions for this get away are. I just want to get him by himself, alone, with me... Just to have each others company, and not have to compete with the computer or whatever the latest gaming console is this week...
 I just want to go back to where we "Dated" we "went out", movies, ice cream... or even just a little drive to sonic for a slushie.... I miss those days so much. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore just spending time with him, I just wish his time was occupied on me and not glued to a screen of some sort...  I just want to escape from the world for a little bit... Not have a care in the world, and be with the one I love soaking up the time we have together and maybe some sun while I'm at it. (God knows this white body could use some of that)
 I really am in no position to complain though... I got him back and for a while, that's all I should really be concerned about, making him happy... focusing on making sure he knows I love him. I honestly do not ever want to lose him again, I can't just be his friend and I hope he would understand that if anything ever happened to us again.
 I kind of want to apologize, I'm hoping to have a happy blog soon, this girl who is typing right now isn't the real me... I'm still in the process of getting her back. I've been through some rough times lately and I'm just trying to find myself and, really, my place in this crazy thing we called world. I know the girl I want to be again is somewhere inside but I like to look at it like she's hiding until she knows the coast is clear, or in other words, shes not coming out until she feels safe and secure again. I'm working on that honestly. Fear surrounds me like a fence and I'm literally dying to break free... All I really want more than anything is for everything to go back to the way things were... but I have to face the consequences for my actions. I'm not perfect... but I'm gathering myself again, understand my morals and what means the most to me... I just need time. I got what I needed and that was him, but now what I really need is for me to be... well... me again. I got to face my fears along with trying not to be scared.
 He loves me, I know he does... if he didn't he wouldn't have given me another chance... So that's why I completely don't understand my insecurities? Why am I so jealous of her... Why can't I trust him with her... Thoughts about them together run through my mind like a bad scripted movie. That's when my anxiety gets the best of me, and it begins by feeling sick, breaking into a sweat, shaking uncontrollably and then crying as if I just lost him again... All while he's on the other end of my phone texting me and letting me know everything is okay. What part of my brain doesn't let me comprehend that everything is okay!? Why can't I just believe him, I want to believe him... I want to trust him... But the only reason I can't trust him is because... I let myself down... I broke my trust within him and myself... for what... nothing. I hated myself... and still in a way, kind of do... but I'm learning to forgive myself... if he can why can't I? Ugh... I just don't understand why life can't be just a tad bit more simple...
 So now, before I lay me down to sleep, a little prayer... and then hopefully sweet dreams. Goodnight.

This is REAL

My main man and my baby girl:)

Hes the only one for me...

Sleepless Nights;

I'm so use to how everything use to be, it's almost like my house isn't a "home" to me. I miss being able to see him right before I rested my head to sleep and seeing him right when I woke up. A lot of changes lately; But at least the goodbye wasn't forever. I have to get use to everything again.

I've noticed it's a lot harder to sleep when your constantly in the process of thinking about how things use to be or just the generalization of thinking about anything and everything that happens to cross your mind at the moment. I guess I'm just noticing how BIG the little things in life are... I've always told myself it's the little things that count but in reality I don't think I really understood what the "little things" were until now, for sure I understand what they are... the supposed "little things" make every thing seem so small...

My emotions lately have literally been swallowing me whole, I'll admit that I'm starting to get back to my old self; Happy. My life is now in my hands, and I know that love is what I've always wanted the most, I don't care about materialistic items or the "newest trends" or trying so damn hard to get people (who never will) to like me. I've always put people before myself and I think now it's about time I work on myself and think about what really matters to me, right now I'm focusing on getting happy again, completely happy, not just sort of happy.

Someone once told me that I live in this fairy-tale world and and because of that I will never get that happy ending people (like me) long for. I always tried to find the good in the bad, I use to be optimistic and think highly of myself and others. Then mistakes happened, people walked out, and I was literally left alone... no one to talk to, no one to listen to me, just me... by myself. I was miserable... I felt lifeless and still in a way; kind of do...

I promise myself and other that things are getting better. I honestly believe that too, I've regained relationships and am trying to prove to myself and others that no matter what, I will never go back to that part of my life for as long as I live. No longer will I be dreaming with a broken heart nor will i ignore my real feelings because I'm afraid of what others might think about me. How can someone like you if you don't like yourself... If reinventing yourself is you "solution" to your problem, you should probably consider FINDING yourself before you RECREATE yourself. You never know, you might actually like what you find.

Don't ever, ever give up on yourself or something or someone you love. They say once one door closes another one opens... all it needs is time. If you're anything like me, time will seem like the worst part about everything at that moment, but I'll give you this... time literally is the best thing you could ever have... it makes messes clean again and sometimes it even makes problems or certain situations "go away".

So as I lie awake today, without sleeping again... I will say my prayers and thank God for everything in my life at the moment; Good or bad. Because I know they both are happening for a reason and God would never give me a situation or problem I couldn't get threw or over...

So goodnight or good day? However you look at it:)

Get it Right...

So it is said, "everyone makes mistakes"; But there are some things that you honestly don't mean to do, but in reality... you can never take them back. No matter what you do. First it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and telling someone what you did will only make it worse... but then it gets out, and everything comes crashing down. Then you ask yourself; "should I have just put everything out there?" "are things ever going to get better?" They say you should live life with no regrets but what if you do? Does that make you human or just... bitter in a way.

I just want to feel as if what I do will always be considered "good enough" but the thing is, I have to feel good enough before someone can honestly make me think I am good enough. We all have that moment or thought of giving up... but we honestly just have to take into consideration that life is never going to be fair... there are going to be times where you will NOT get what you want. There will be times when you have regrets... but with those regrets you learn something, and most the time, you will NEVER repeat the actions that caused those regrets.

I never meant to hurt anyone with what I did, but in reality... I ended up hurting everyone close to me, including and foremost the person I truly cared about the most. I wanted to fix things... but I knew with everything out in the open I just had to take it in and realize that God would never put me in a situation I couldn't get through. I had to accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair but that doesn't mean I should give up or stop caring about anything and everything that was real to me.

I did what I could, I'm still in the process of forgiving myself... as well as proving to people that what happened wasn't intentional... I know one thing for sure though. I've definitely learned my lesson, my faith is always something I have to look back on... and I will never ever give up on myself or what I believe in for as long as I am here. The pain I put myself through made me understand things I never really stopped and thought about or in general; took advantage of...

this blog goes out to my wonderful boyfriend; you mean the utmost world to me... I don't know how many times it will take to get it right, but I know you will always be there for me... threw thick and thin. You are my one and only and I love you with my whole heart and more.

9/26/08<3

Idea For My First Book!

So, the whole point of this blog of mine is to get a jump start on my writing career and possibly, I'm hoping, get noticed by the public or even better a publisher. I have thought pretty long and hard about what to write about but I was truly inspired by a man who basically told me my mind could wonder farther than I could possibly imagine. I'm really excited to begin writing the book but I wanted to get some feed back from some viewers about the over all plot and setting of the book itself. The book will be written in present times. No later date than 2006, is going to be around the time my character is in. So, here I am going to summarize the story and I hope you like it!

A younge woman has suffered with heart problems her whole life... and has dwelled on the fact that she will never be like everyone else. She will always have to be extra cautious about what she does and make sure that shes not putting her heart through any tough times or places. She has forever been frustrated about not being "normal" and tries with all the power and might she has to make herself feel like a normal person. She discovers there are four parts of everyones heart, just as well as her own. She decides to discover every part of her heart, But to her, her four parts of her heart consist of this... the first part of her heart is about family, the second part is about friendship, the third part is all about herself, and last but certainly not least... the fourth and final part of her heart is love. She knows it wont be easy understanding all the parts, but shes willing to do anything just to feel like everyone and experience more than the average person. follow (havent come up with the characters name yet) on her journey of finding herself in family, friends, and the love she thought she would never have. Its a emotional experience you will never forget.

Tell me what you think:)

Some Call it Love.

Some call it easy, others say its the hardest thing they have ever come in contact with. We all know it as the "L" word and it happens to everyone in this world we live in, whether or not we believe it has happened. If you haven't figured it out already, the word I am talking about it no other than the word "Love".

Throughout the world love is expressed in many different ways. People can also love many things too, but I'm not talking about the love for a certain food or sport. I'm talking LOVE... the definition of the world known word is :"a strong, positive emotion of regard and affection".

I've been in a relationship for a year and 10 months now and I can honestly say, without hesitation, that I am in love. Words cannot naturally describe the feelings I have for him, and that the way love should be. Love really has no for sure definition. In a way, everyone creates their own personal definition of love because no relationship is the same. We all deal with things differently, our moments aren't going to be the same time or have the same feeling as the other people near or far from you. The word love excites but can also frighten people just as easily as the other. Some are scared of love maybe because of a personal experience or maybe just from what they have heard or even seen... The sad part about that is, love wasn't meant to scare people... it was a blessing we got and a blessing we should cherish and use wisely.
Now I will admit, my love life wasn't always making me feel like I was on "cloud 9". Some days I feel far from it, but I genuinely wouldn't have it any other way. A quote that always comes into mind during my hard times where I sometimes feel like giving up is by a remarkable man who goes by the name of Carl Jung, and the quote reads... "Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It's far better to take things as they come along with patients and equanimity".
Even though my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now, we have not said the "L" word to one another yet... and even though I feel the way I do, I believe I should save something that special and meaningful for the perfect time and place. There was once a time and place I decided to say those three little words that mean so much, but the timing was bitter... and it was more like word vomit of emotions spewing out of my mouth due to heartbreak and disbelief... The boy I am with now did once break my heart... we were at a time in our relationship where there really was nothing but darkness and the word happy wasn't only losing its mean but it was also losing its place in my life, the both of our lives. There were constant fight, judgement, and frustration was spreading like a terrible rash. It wasn't good for either of us, but I always did everything in my power to make things better... attempt to at least. It got to the point where I was literally hiding feelings and eating my emotions in place of showing them, and all that did was put me in my own box where depression was pretty much that black rain cloud above my head. The way I felt is a way no one ever wants to feel... I became that girl I never wanted to be. Although we were both miserable, I did everything for the sake of our relationship, but I think the thing that made it even more unbearable was the fact I was literally putting all my effort and time into trying to make the relationship better and stronger and he sat there and let it fall to pieces... it made me feel like he didn't care. So... the night I hate to go back to and would die if i had to relive, was the night he decided to end it... although all the relationship wasn't at its peak, I was still in complete shock and utter disbelief that he would actually go through with breaking up with me. I was so far into this relationship I knew I loved him and had no idea what I was going to do without him. I was devastated when he came over and just crushed everything we had built together... all I could do is cry and say that I was sorry over and over again. The whole time we were out there he didn't say one word... just stood there hugging me tighter and tighter as the sorry progressed, when I suddenly got quiet and everything around me seemed to stop right in the tracks of the time. I squeezed and whispered the words I never ever thought I would say for the first time to a person at a time like this... After I said it, I could have just collapsed and stayed in the position I was left in for as long as I needed to. But I kept my standing scene and continued crying, a lot more harder than I had started... And that's when I heard him start crying...
After a couple of minutes of standing there clinging to one another and crying, he finally let go of me and it felt almost like a plug lost its outlet... and without that outlet the plug was useless... He got into his car and left and it was like there was nothing left... I stood there silent and still... Not even knowing how to feel or react.
To this day... that is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I know I am young and I still have many more challenging obstacle to get past and get over but I would not do anything and would certainly not give anything to ever feel like that again. They say you never forget your first love, and at that moment I wanted to just flush everything out of my mind and forget everything...
Love, is something powerful... Like Corinthians 13:13 say "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, it always preseveres".
That boy and I have given each other a second chance... and I have to admitt, I dont think we have ever been in such a great place in our lives. Sure we have our ups and downs but the both of us have seen the dark side, and have learned from our mistakes and keep learning as our lives go by. No one in this world is perfect, but that doesnt give you the reason to stop perfect(ing) the life you were given.

Don't be afraid OF love... be afraid of NEVER loving.

Practice Makes Perfect

One of the most frequently asked questions in this world is "what do you want to be when you grow up". Many of us at a young age aspire to be something like a princess, an ninja, or even maybe an astronaut. When we mature our options become more clear and we have a better understanding of the logical careers we are able to choose from. Some make decisions faster than others and some just don't have any idea as to where and when and what they want to be when they "grow up". There is something about that question that always set me off wondering... are we officially "grown up" when we choose our career... or is growing up just done when we want and when we feel? Or better yet... do we grow up when we have done something or even seen something through so much more than we possible could have imagined our self doing or seeing that we officially are dubbed that title of "grown up".

The whole grown up thing to me is honestly in ones mind... Sure, we age as the years pregress but does aging really have anything to do with growing? Its been proven that our minds develope over the first 2o some years of our lifes... but is it due to aging? Or experiencing something that made you grow? Everything is said to happen for a reason too, what if the reason behind everything that happens is more clear than murky? Just think to yourself... the reason behind what is going on, might actually be happening to help you grow. It makes sense doesnt it?

I started this blog to get started on my writing career because of this man, David. I thought blogging was the weirdest thing until he pointed out that it could basically end up being my portfolio. The words I write down are no other than the thoughts trapped inside my head. I don't promise that all my blogs will flow but I do promise they will all have meaning and make you think. My goal, once I get use to the whole blogging thing, is to start my first book on here... maybe get some comments and see if anyone is interested. I dont ask for much other than please be understanding, if you dont like what you read or feel differently towards what I write about, I'm simply writing out of impluse and oppinion. Along with that being said, I would love to hear what you have to say about my blogs, good or bad. After all, this thing is to help me learn and practice and I will accept any commentary from anyone.