Freak Out!

Impatient; Impulsive; Irrational; Complicated; Crashed; Crushed;

 I would have to say that my most hated word in the English dictionary today would be the infamous word; Attitude. When that word is brought up, an attitude pops up... but the sad thing is... I know I have one way more than I really should have one. The only problem is, I have absolutely NO IDEA how to get rid of it for good. I just get irritated so easily lately, I'm so anxious and have not a clue as to why... I freak out and think about things I should just... leave alone, for lack of a better statement. I guess it has to do with still being insecure. I have this horrible problem with insecurity, it's really ridiculous. But once again I don't know what to do to take care of that neither...

 Sometimes, even when I feel happy, I just want to run away. Not somewhere to far but just "get away" from the world for a little bit. Not necessarily go by myself, anyone who knows me knows who I would bring. I would want it to be that secluded get away, the one where we are in the middle of nowhere... with no cellphone reception, computer connection, or even... civilizations. I know some of you may be thinking that it sounds like the perfect setting for some horror movie, but that's honestly not what my intentions for this get away are. I just want to get him by himself, alone, with me... Just to have each others company, and not have to compete with the computer or whatever the latest gaming console is this week...
 I just want to go back to where we "Dated" we "went out", movies, ice cream... or even just a little drive to sonic for a slushie.... I miss those days so much. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore just spending time with him, I just wish his time was occupied on me and not glued to a screen of some sort...  I just want to escape from the world for a little bit... Not have a care in the world, and be with the one I love soaking up the time we have together and maybe some sun while I'm at it. (God knows this white body could use some of that)
 I really am in no position to complain though... I got him back and for a while, that's all I should really be concerned about, making him happy... focusing on making sure he knows I love him. I honestly do not ever want to lose him again, I can't just be his friend and I hope he would understand that if anything ever happened to us again.
 I kind of want to apologize, I'm hoping to have a happy blog soon, this girl who is typing right now isn't the real me... I'm still in the process of getting her back. I've been through some rough times lately and I'm just trying to find myself and, really, my place in this crazy thing we called world. I know the girl I want to be again is somewhere inside but I like to look at it like she's hiding until she knows the coast is clear, or in other words, shes not coming out until she feels safe and secure again. I'm working on that honestly. Fear surrounds me like a fence and I'm literally dying to break free... All I really want more than anything is for everything to go back to the way things were... but I have to face the consequences for my actions. I'm not perfect... but I'm gathering myself again, understand my morals and what means the most to me... I just need time. I got what I needed and that was him, but now what I really need is for me to be... well... me again. I got to face my fears along with trying not to be scared.
 He loves me, I know he does... if he didn't he wouldn't have given me another chance... So that's why I completely don't understand my insecurities? Why am I so jealous of her... Why can't I trust him with her... Thoughts about them together run through my mind like a bad scripted movie. That's when my anxiety gets the best of me, and it begins by feeling sick, breaking into a sweat, shaking uncontrollably and then crying as if I just lost him again... All while he's on the other end of my phone texting me and letting me know everything is okay. What part of my brain doesn't let me comprehend that everything is okay!? Why can't I just believe him, I want to believe him... I want to trust him... But the only reason I can't trust him is because... I let myself down... I broke my trust within him and myself... for what... nothing. I hated myself... and still in a way, kind of do... but I'm learning to forgive myself... if he can why can't I? Ugh... I just don't understand why life can't be just a tad bit more simple...
 So now, before I lay me down to sleep, a little prayer... and then hopefully sweet dreams. Goodnight.

This is REAL

My main man and my baby girl:)

Hes the only one for me...

Sleepless Nights;

I'm so use to how everything use to be, it's almost like my house isn't a "home" to me. I miss being able to see him right before I rested my head to sleep and seeing him right when I woke up. A lot of changes lately; But at least the goodbye wasn't forever. I have to get use to everything again.

I've noticed it's a lot harder to sleep when your constantly in the process of thinking about how things use to be or just the generalization of thinking about anything and everything that happens to cross your mind at the moment. I guess I'm just noticing how BIG the little things in life are... I've always told myself it's the little things that count but in reality I don't think I really understood what the "little things" were until now, for sure I understand what they are... the supposed "little things" make every thing seem so small...

My emotions lately have literally been swallowing me whole, I'll admit that I'm starting to get back to my old self; Happy. My life is now in my hands, and I know that love is what I've always wanted the most, I don't care about materialistic items or the "newest trends" or trying so damn hard to get people (who never will) to like me. I've always put people before myself and I think now it's about time I work on myself and think about what really matters to me, right now I'm focusing on getting happy again, completely happy, not just sort of happy.

Someone once told me that I live in this fairy-tale world and and because of that I will never get that happy ending people (like me) long for. I always tried to find the good in the bad, I use to be optimistic and think highly of myself and others. Then mistakes happened, people walked out, and I was literally left alone... no one to talk to, no one to listen to me, just me... by myself. I was miserable... I felt lifeless and still in a way; kind of do...

I promise myself and other that things are getting better. I honestly believe that too, I've regained relationships and am trying to prove to myself and others that no matter what, I will never go back to that part of my life for as long as I live. No longer will I be dreaming with a broken heart nor will i ignore my real feelings because I'm afraid of what others might think about me. How can someone like you if you don't like yourself... If reinventing yourself is you "solution" to your problem, you should probably consider FINDING yourself before you RECREATE yourself. You never know, you might actually like what you find.

Don't ever, ever give up on yourself or something or someone you love. They say once one door closes another one opens... all it needs is time. If you're anything like me, time will seem like the worst part about everything at that moment, but I'll give you this... time literally is the best thing you could ever have... it makes messes clean again and sometimes it even makes problems or certain situations "go away".

So as I lie awake today, without sleeping again... I will say my prayers and thank God for everything in my life at the moment; Good or bad. Because I know they both are happening for a reason and God would never give me a situation or problem I couldn't get threw or over...

So goodnight or good day? However you look at it:)

Get it Right...

So it is said, "everyone makes mistakes"; But there are some things that you honestly don't mean to do, but in reality... you can never take them back. No matter what you do. First it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and telling someone what you did will only make it worse... but then it gets out, and everything comes crashing down. Then you ask yourself; "should I have just put everything out there?" "are things ever going to get better?" They say you should live life with no regrets but what if you do? Does that make you human or just... bitter in a way.

I just want to feel as if what I do will always be considered "good enough" but the thing is, I have to feel good enough before someone can honestly make me think I am good enough. We all have that moment or thought of giving up... but we honestly just have to take into consideration that life is never going to be fair... there are going to be times where you will NOT get what you want. There will be times when you have regrets... but with those regrets you learn something, and most the time, you will NEVER repeat the actions that caused those regrets.

I never meant to hurt anyone with what I did, but in reality... I ended up hurting everyone close to me, including and foremost the person I truly cared about the most. I wanted to fix things... but I knew with everything out in the open I just had to take it in and realize that God would never put me in a situation I couldn't get through. I had to accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair but that doesn't mean I should give up or stop caring about anything and everything that was real to me.

I did what I could, I'm still in the process of forgiving myself... as well as proving to people that what happened wasn't intentional... I know one thing for sure though. I've definitely learned my lesson, my faith is always something I have to look back on... and I will never ever give up on myself or what I believe in for as long as I am here. The pain I put myself through made me understand things I never really stopped and thought about or in general; took advantage of...

this blog goes out to my wonderful boyfriend; you mean the utmost world to me... I don't know how many times it will take to get it right, but I know you will always be there for me... threw thick and thin. You are my one and only and I love you with my whole heart and more.

9/26/08<3